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Government, which would at once imprison me. I longed for that now.
I thought that only when in prison I would get real, rest for the
I have kneeled down there body, but rest for the soul above all.
before my bed and thanked Heaven for this illness, which had brought
I had to try to become
me to see my sin in all its blackness.
honest again.
I could not wait a minute. I sat It seemed to me,
down at the table, and wrote that same night to the "comite, brief- ly and without any explanation, that I would send back all the money as soon as I was in Java, that I gave up the whole enterprise
I closed and wished to have nothing to do with them any more. this letter, stamped it and went out to lay it down for the bucau,
I could not list to find. the following morning to post it.
Then I threw wait till the morning, with would come in some hours. away the cartridges of my revolver, why I don't quite know, think, I acted mechanically, may be out of fear of myself.
I
Early
I slept soundly for the first time since many days. next morning I called at the Java China Japan Line's Office, to
buy a ticket. And was disappointed to hear that no ships of that
They touched here only on their company went home from Shanghai.
But I procured my ticket by the P & 0, after Toyage outward
which had a having tried in vain to get a berth by the .Y,K., boat atarted two days earlier.
•
I was glad to go "home", but not quiet.
Some thing chased
and hunted me how to send back that money first, which had made na
Before that was done, I should have no a thief and a traitor.
rest, I felt.
And
The 15th November I left Shanghai by the "Mellore". got so bad on board that the doctor had me sent to the hospital.
Why was God so cruel ?
I despaired, despaired of this new delay.
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