CO129-425 - Governor Sir May - 1915 [10-12] — Page 700

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Government, which would at once imprison me. I longed for that now.

I thought that only when in prison I would get real, rest for the

I have kneeled down there body, but rest for the soul above all.

before my bed and thanked Heaven for this illness, which had brought

I had to try to become

me to see my sin in all its blackness.

honest again.

I could not wait a minute. I sat It seemed to me,

down at the table, and wrote that same night to the "comite, brief- ly and without any explanation, that I would send back all the money as soon as I was in Java, that I gave up the whole enterprise

I closed and wished to have nothing to do with them any more. this letter, stamped it and went out to lay it down for the bucau,

I could not list to find. the following morning to post it.

Then I threw wait till the morning, with would come in some hours. away the cartridges of my revolver, why I don't quite know, think, I acted mechanically, may be out of fear of myself.

I

Early

I slept soundly for the first time since many days. next morning I called at the Java China Japan Line's Office, to

buy a ticket. And was disappointed to hear that no ships of that

They touched here only on their company went home from Shanghai.

But I procured my ticket by the P & 0, after Toyage outward

which had a having tried in vain to get a berth by the .Y,K., boat atarted two days earlier.

•

I was glad to go "home", but not quiet.

Some thing chased

and hunted me how to send back that money first, which had made na

Before that was done, I should have no a thief and a traitor.

rest, I felt.

And

The 15th November I left Shanghai by the "Mellore". got so bad on board that the doctor had me sent to the hospital.

Why was God so cruel ?

I despaired, despaired of this new delay.

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